Everytime I think I'm over Jeff, he does something to completely fuck with me, to start my head spinning in circles, where I find myself completely wrapped up in him again.
But that is not where to start this. The best place to begin is where we last left off... with my addiction. I had been doing fantastic with my recovery from sexual addiction, better than anyone could have ever hoped. I suppose I should have known that it was all progressing too smoothly, nothing in my life ever goes as easy as it should. But I quit sex, cold turkey, in the beginning of November. And it worked out quite fantastically that at that same time, Jeff got himself a girlfriend, so we were off limits to one another, each for different reasons. So for 3 months, we hardly spoke. We'd hang out occasionally, and it became less and less awkward. And Jeff crazily enough, began to fall for this new girl. At some point, I asked him if Alyce asked him never to speak to me or see me again, he would just walk out of my life. And he said he would. Those months apart led me to rediscover myself, and to recover. It was fantastic.
At work, we recently hired a guy who is the same age as me, who lives only blocks up the street from me. James. Me and my J's. I've known James most of my life, and I've always had a bit of a crush on him. And when he was hired on, I was curious. Curious if he felt the same things that I do. So we began to flirt. And our flirting got heavier and heavier, until Saturday, after work, we hung out, and sealed the deal. We had sex. I was so reluctant. I knew it meant compromising my recovery, but I so wanted to try. I was so curious. I was so excited someone I'd been interested in for so long could be interested in me too. As always, a big part of it was also me hoping that this would be it, we'd have sex, fall in love, and Jeff would be a distant nightmare. We had sex, and it was fantastic for me. I was completely awful, which is odd for me, but I think that was all nerves. I don't want to get into that... But it was great, and the only comparable sex for me was that which I had had with Jeff. And I kind of obsessed on it, wondering if maybe my judgement had been so impaired everytime Jeff and I had fucked because I was so deeply attached emotionally. But I knew that I was not finding out, because Jeff was involved.
James and I worked together the next day, and it was incredibly awful. I had failed so miserably... I wanted to have another go at it to redeem myself. But James was very uninterested. His curiousity was satiated, and my lust was not. I wanted to compare everyone to Jeff, I wanted to prove my sexuality to myself. Over the next few days, it took all my will power not to just sleep with a random stranger. I don't know what I was waiting for exactly, but I was definitely waiting. And then on Thursday night, Jeff called me at 1 in the morning, asking me to come over. Immediately, my head jumped to the conclusion that he wanted sex, but I pushed it out of my mind, deciding he would not be unfaithful to a woman. He must just want to hang out or talk to someone, or who knows what. I accepted any conclusion my mind came to, and I headed over there. I practically ran out the door. So when I got there, and we leaped at one another, I was not suprised. I small piece of me was shocked, and I asked the questions no man with a hard on wants to hear. What's going on with him and Alyce? Of course, he just wanted to get me into bed as quickly as possible without loosing his zest, so talk of his girlfriend was unacceptable. So he told me it was complicated, and I accepted it. I just took that as good enough, and jumped right on him. Because why wouldn't I want to see their relationship go to ruins? As much as we all say we just want to see our exes happy, that's a lie. We all want to see them happy with us and miserable with anyone else. Or maybe I'm just a coniving bitch.
And here I am right now, looking at his facebook page, at the newly single status of his. Wondering if it's all my fault or if I just brought the house of cards down quicker than it was already going to fall. And here I am, trying so hard not to call him again tonight, because I am so very lonely without him. And here I am, completely backtracking in my recovery from both love and Jeff.
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